the bitter taste of Christmas

Christmas, as a rule, is the most wonderful time of year.

For our family, Christmas eve is usually spent with the Georges; watching something or another on the tube while making some kind of wonderful misery for Sam.

Early Christmas morning is spent with each other, opening presents and excited chatter about the day. Then! Our favorite part of the day is where we go over to Lee and Gina's in our jams and Gina reads THE Christmas story to us. We pray for the day, our family, our coming year. There is a feeling of family that is so intimate and indescribable that passes over me every year, during this reading and prayer time - leaves me speechless.

Then, we rush about to get dressed for the day and head over to Poppop's house for Christmas breakfast, which is really quite grander than any feast even royals have ever seen. We do presents with them and then make our ways back to Lee and Gina's where we will lay about and wish we hadn't ate so much.

There is usually a sweet lull at this time. Just the siblings and Lee and Gina. Chatter about the mornings events and whatever new game Aaron is playing.

Then the Turners trickle in. Mam and Poppi hauling loads of boxes, Brad and Pam smiles brighter than the sun. Aunt Lynda and her clan clambering in. We do presents with them and then we settle in for dinner, promising not to eat as much as we did at breakfast - and usually failing.

The evening is spent with the house in a buzz, chatter of adults and some sort of squeals from some child or another. Then games are played until we can barely keep our eyes open anymore.

We go home to bed, where we fall asleep; bellies full, hearts content.

This Christmas, with so much tradition in place, is it any wonder that I am very close to wholeheartedly hoping to just stick my head under the covers and wait for Christmas to blow over? Much of this is centered around myself but there are parts of me that don't want Iyla to be a part of a "fake" Christmas. I mean, what else could it be but fake if it's not the thing that we usually do. (cut me slack, i'm not done talking yet, quit judging me.)
{ahem}
Oh, I've been heart sick over "missing Christmas" since October. I've ached and moaned silently, not wanting to share my pain with Ryan; who must be feeling the same thing 100 times over. Making light of it, "shew! we might actually save ourselves a heart attack from not eating so much!", and talking it down, "oh, we'll be there just 12 days later!" have certainly helped the panic and restlessness over "missing Christmas".

The more I've thought and fervently prayed about this, the more I've come to realize, I just need to take it for what it's worth and be thankful for what IS (and not wallow in what is being missed-both real and imagined).

I'm a dummy. There. It's out there.

I have a darling husband and a ray of light, who poses as my daughter. What world am I living in? How could I ever consider any circumstance, where they are present, Christmas to be "fake"?! Urgh. I hate that I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't see that at first.

And worse.

I was so wrapped up in my feelings of isolation that I totally overlooked the entire point of the holiday.

{I know! I know! Quit judging!}

I was so wrapped up in the advent of moving-  counting down and crossing dates off - that I overlooked and even hoped to skip the advent of Christ mas. 

The instant I came to this realization, it's really quite amazing how quickly my selfishness fell off me. The gravity of the "reason for the season" fell hard and fast into my heart. So much of society- the world at large- make Christmas out to be "the most wonderful time of year" a time where you just HAVE TO be happy or something is WRONG with you. There's so much pressure to be nauseatingly overjoyed, it got to me. I wanted perfect. I wanted "the usual". Christmas is such an event, it's all kinds of glittery and shiny- I thought I had to feel a certain way in order for Christmas to be "right". But I've come to see after an entire month of trying to dodge the Christmas bullet, today I see that I don't have to feed into the glitter, and I don't have to feel guilty about it.

I just need to recognize the promise of the season.

And celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Love you,
m